So Christmas completely snuck up on me this year.
(Is it just me or do years tend to fly by when you’re over 25?)
Another thing that is trying to sneak up on me? Depression.
Yeah, no one likes to talk about depression on Christmas. No one wants to be the girl that raises her hand like, “Yeah I am fighting back against a dopamine depleted brain right now.”
But I am. I can feel it. I’m not fully there, but I can feel depression knocking on my door like that old crazy boyfriend that just won’t leave you alone and stalks you and waits until you’re literally at your most vulnerable and then pounces his creepy claws all over you, begging you to just “let it happen.” Ew.
The day started beautifully, to be honest. My husband and I woke up and he said the sweetest things about being so happy to spend his first Christmas as Team Ahkuoi, the married couple, and that we are a package deal and he is so honored to be mine. (Yes, I cried because he is effing adorable and who wouldn’t.)
We opened presents with the Simpson family, God bless them, every one.
I posted our (genuine) smiling faces all over social media and scrolled through everyone else’s life looking extra Christmasy and perfect.
We went to a little Christmas gathering.
But on our way home, Dustin asks me how I’m doing internally. And I fought back saying, “I’m fine baby, lets turn on Coldplay’s new album.” I sat there for a minute and I searched my heart and brain and realized that depression and negative thoughts and bad memories are all up IN my cranium. It was a really good question: “How are you doing internally?”
Internally I really am “fine.” My husband loves me unconditionally, my job is basically the best ever, I get to travel the country and sing for my living, I have a close knit family, we have over a million hits on our latest YouTube endeavor, etc etc etc… There is so much to be thankful for.
But sometimes I use gratitude as a tool to “shoo” away the reality of what is really going on inside of my brain: a slow depletion of “happy” chemicals.
I am not one to force happiness into existence. It has to be real. It has to be genuine. And right now, in this moment, even though it’s Christmas, I am just going to be real and say that I am struggling to keep up with all of the joy the season brings. I am struggling to hold on to my own joy.
If you’re feeling this way, you are not alone.
Feel free to comment or to email me at email@example.com and we can discuss. ❤ Maybe a friendly discussion will bring up those dopamine levels.
HAVE A GREAT DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY