I use Tumblr and Pinterest to figure out what feelings I am feeling.
I scroll through the images and unconsciously “reblog” or “pin” the images that I’m most drawn to.
It may sound silly, but it’s usually very helpful and therapeutic. Before long, my page contains a visual “mood board” of what’s going on in my brain. Instead of having to sit in bed and journal for an hour to figure myself out, it’s all right there in beautiful imagery right on my computer screen. (If you feel like it, you can see my Pinterest boards here and my Tumblr here.)
I also use this method when I’m trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to write about in this blog. For instance, today: I hadn’t written a blog all week, had been feeling completely uninspired, and almost gave up on the whole process altogether. (Typical me: start something while feeling manicky and want to quit when I hit depressed-ish.) So yes, in desperation to contribute something, anything, to the blog this week I resorted to my tried and true method of Pinlr Therapy. (Get it? Pinterest and Tumblr…it’s like Beniffer except…ok yeah you get it. It’s pretty lame, but I do what I can when I’m uninspired, guys.)
So yes, enter Pinlr Therapy.
I sat, Native-American-style, on my bed, opened my laptop, and began the Pinnlring.
After a while, as usual, I noticed a pattern.
I realized that most of the images that I was unconsciously drawn to were pretty dark.
Then I realized something else. I wasn’t really feeling much of anything. I sat there, staring blankly at all of those images, unable to feel anything, really.
I was numb.
It’s funny how you can go about your entire day, texting funny things to your friends, going to work, having conversations, watching TV…
and never really think about how you’re feeling…
let alone realize that you’re completely without feelings.
Numbness is a weird thing. It hits me pretty often, pretty silently.
It’s a side-effect of the whole “depression” aspect of manic depression.
If I am numb, I feel like a big blob of “blah.” I have nothing much to say, nothing much to contribute to society, nothing much to eat because I’m too damn apathetic to go to the grocery store…
It’s so weird, like I’m walking happily along, doing my life-things, whistling and humming and minding my own business. Then, all of the sudden, I look up and I’m surrounded by this thick, sticky gray fog and I can’t see where I’m going or remember what I was doing. It’s less heavy than the deep-dark pits of depression, yet much heavier than ho-hum, run-of-the-mill. It’s just BLAH.
Sometimes, the fog creeps up, twisting its lanky fingers around my neck, slowly and silently choking the breath out of me until I do inevitably sink in to one of those mucky-brown quicksand pits of depression.
But guess what?
HAAAAAA! I broke that bastard’s ugly-ass fingers as he tried to cut off my life supply and I bitch-slapped Foggy Numb-ass in the face.
Honestly, I don’t really know, exactly.
But I do know it was a combination of
A) wanting to assess my feelings
B) figuring out I wasn’t feeling any feelings
C) JOURNALING = Liiiiiiiife
I entitled a page “Feelings” and just started jotting down words. Some words I jotted:
“Never ending disappointment”
“I want so much more than this”
(Okay so I’m a little dramatic when I journal but this is my raw heart, y’all.)
D) I realized that the fog will lift. Chances are, I’m just experiencing one of the many “low Lows” of bipolar disorder. I’ve lived through enough depression to know that it goes away…eventually. And I usually try to remind myself that the “everything is nothingness” thoughts that I am thinking are a result of a brain that is running extremely low on happy chemicals. (THANK GOD FOR MEDICINE.) Also, I have learned to coach myself, telling myself that it’s not my fault and life is not meaningless, and my brain has just temporarily decided to fart.
I’ve learned that fresh flowers in my room make me feel like I’m breathing in happy air,
and that food from the earth makes me feel like my organs are slurping up health and life-longevity.
Also, cleaning helps. It makes me feel like I’m taking Lysol to the dusty corners of myself.
I’m depressed right now, I guess…
that mother effer ain’t gon’ win today.
If you are bipolar or you experience depression, please feel free to message me and we can swap battle techniques.
If you are a “normal” (non-diagnosed) person and you get numb sometimes also message me and we can swap battle techniques.
LET’S KICK NUMBNESS IN THE NUMBNUTS!
HAVE A GREAT DAYYYYYYYY